Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day: Sawyer Grace

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I feel like I can’t let the day pass without saying something. I always share in hope that I can help just one person with their grief.

Today Sawyer would be right over 5 and a half years old. How is that? How does that much time pass? How has it been that long since I held you? How has it been that long since I kissed your soft cheeks? How has it been that long since you filled my arms? My heart breaks over and over in her memory. It hurts just as bad today as it did then. I have only learned how to handle the pain.

I have comfort in knowing she is eternally with my Dad and we will all meet again. I think of her just bouncing on his knee and laughing. Oh man that makes me giggle truthfully. I’m so thankful he was in heaven to greet her that day she left us. My hero and my angel baby.

I feel blessed to have experienced her loss and I know that may sound strange but she made me a mother. She was my first born. She gave me patience I never knew I could have. She gave me the opportunity to soak it all in. When things are hard, I am able to be so thankful because of her, and her loss.

She is every bit of my strength in being Beau and especially Demis mommy. I know without her, our path with Demi would have been more challenging. Demi also gave me a part of what I lost with Sawyer. A chance with a daughter again. And of course things will look different because Demi is absolutely a different child than Sawyer but she also has different needs. That also brings me to another point… there are things I lost with Sawyer that I may not get with Demi too. It bothers me from time to time. I have no doubt Demi and I will make our own very special path. To elaborate.. I always dreamed of a daughter who would follow my footsteps in sports. Truth be told, I have lots to learn from Demi and the sky is the limit so I look forward to watching her excel in whatever path she chooses. Although, I’m certain it will be sports one way or another just based on her relentless spirit.

I find that my patience with my strong willed 4 year old boy is better than I ever saw myself being. I try to always be present with him and never take a moment for granted. He is my cuddle bug and never passes an opportunity to love on me. He was just what my heart needed following the loss of his big sister.

I wish with everything in me that I had my 3 babies here on earth. I’m selfish. We all are. I’m also faithful and know that Gods plan is always better than mine and I trust him completely. I always have and I always will. Gods plan is most certainly unraveling for us and what a beautiful one it is.

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