Grief is weird. It doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes February 28th, 2015 feels like yesterday and other days it feels like it’s been much longer. My mind is so busy with my two little earthly babies but somehow there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think of my heavenly baby.
Oh wow. When I think of what she has taught me. It blows my mind. When I consider my life until this point, it just seems so crazy. All I can ever conclude is how well God has prepared me for every step of the way.
I’m so thankful for the life that Sawyer did have. I’m thankful for the chance to hold her in my arms, to have kissed her cheeks, held her hands and to have felt that bond a mother is immediately overwhelmed with when she sees her firstborn. I will never forget that. I’m thankful for the patience I have inherited through her loss. God knows I needed some for Beau and about 10 times that for Demi. My sweet Demi girl has given me the opportunity to love an earthly daughter the way I dreamed of spending my life with Sawyer. Even though Demi’s journey will still be different, I feel like I gained a piece of what I lost.
Demi is a handful with her girly dramatics to say the least, so when I feel a little flustered I remember how much I begged God for this chance again. Then remind myself to be so thankful and more patient with my sweet girl.
Brandon and I talked for years about the kind of parents we would be. We planned it out as much as anyone could possibly do. We discussed things from team sports and attitudes to school and attendance to faith and career choices. We always discussed intentions with our future children and how we would be so intentional with not only our time but with our words. We both admired my parents relationship together and how, as a couple, they treated my sister and I and we did our best to model our marriage to be like theirs was from our perspective. So when we found out that Sawyer passed away, we just felt robbed, as would anyone. After her passing, I would say that we have focused even harder on all of those things with both Beau and Demi. I think Beau and Demi are very fortunate for the life and loss of their sister, even though they don’t know it yet. I know I’m a better mother because of her. I think I’m a better friend because of her. I found a softer side, a more compassionate, forgiving side. I’m far from perfect, I still have a lot of growing to do but I can see exactly how she has began to shape and mold me. Or actually how God has through her.
Today we celebrated Sawyer with our yearly tradition of baking a cake! It was fun too! Both kids seemed to enjoy! We spruced up her flowers a bit! It was a nice day together!! Beau seems to be learning more and more about his big sister, Sawyer and it’s precious. I can’t wait to see how these two enjoy this day in the future!! I know it will only get sweeter!