As our sweet angels birthday approaches, I have been experiencing mixed emotions every single day. I think there are so many reasons as to why I feel that way, but I know I can’t put each one of them into words and I likely can’t even process it all if I tried. I have to give myself permission to not expect all of the answers to it and just let my emotions come out as they do.
We just recently surpassed the point in this pregnancy in which we had lost Sawyer. The anticipation leading into that was so uncomfortable for me as a flood of fear and worry had smothered me from time to time. I relied a lot on prayer and the strength that I get from leaning on our lord.
I was admitted to the hospital for one night to keep a close eye on our sweet girl about two weeks ago. It was one week prior to the point in which I lost Sawyer, so that was a bit nerve-wracking. However, I am so appreciative of a doctor that takes no risks with me or the baby. I think we have all slept a little better following that stay. I still get weekly ultrasounds to check on her as well which gives us all some reassurance about this baby girl!
As I just stated, we are having a girl again. I’m beyond excited about that but I feel like there is a lot of pressure on the whole situation. That’s been hard for me to digest at times. We always said we never wanted any of our children to have an identity based on their big sister that we lost and thus far we haven’t felt that way with Beau. Although, I think we both experience a little paranoia over things with him that “normal” parents don’t in a sense. I’m desperately waiting to hear the glorious sound of our baby girl cry at delivery. That was literally the sweetest sound we have ever heard when Beau was born. I’m sure you can imagine why. So doing this all again with another girl is just so enthralling.
I know that pretty much all of the memories I expected to make with Sawyer are simply being passed on to this baby and that’s ok. I know that this baby will likely give me a piece of what I lost with Sawyer and that’s ok too. I feel like she will help fill a place in our hearts we have longed for. For instance, we have some very close friends and we have witnessed them raise their beautiful daughter since about 6 months after we lost Sawyer. Watching their relationship with their daughter has been a blessing, specifically the father and daughter relationship. They have very similar values in raising children as we do, so it’s so fun to witness. Just in the last few days, he took her to a daddy-daughter dance and seeing those pictures and videos and knowing Brandon will have this opportunity with our baby girl melts my heart. I know he has longed for those type of things so badly since the loss of Sawyer and for him to be able to gain those experiences with this little girl is just so amazing. I think the little things like that will be so much sweeter than we could ever imagine. So when I say it’s ok for this baby and our experiences with her to take on some of the expectations we had for Sawyer, this is what I mean. Allowing myself to know that it is ok and there is no reason to feel guilty by passing on those dreams to her. I can just see it as now, all of those types of things will just be even more special and rewarding.
I do know that the emptiness I feel every single day will continue forever and it’s truly a beautiful reminder of the life Sawyer had. It was exactly that. She had life. The perfect life. The life with no evil. Pure love and perfection, all protected by the love of my body and Gods Grace. Brandon spoke to her and would hold my belly every single night, so I know she felt his love as well. She was our first born and even though her soul had left her body before I held her, she still gave me the love and understanding of what it is to be a mother. The minute I laid eyes on her I had an insane desire to protect her. That surprised me because I wasn’t sure if that feeling would be stolen from me in this particular situation. I’m proud of my natural instincts at that moment. I’m thankful for the love of our Lord comforting me then and every day since then.
I look forward to meeting our sweet girl and finding ways for her life and our experiences with her to honor her sister, but still finding the balance of allowing her to have her own identity as well. We have managed that well with Beau. He took on all the “first” experiences we expected to have with Sawyer and I know they were so sweet. He wasn’t our first born but he was our first to raise. This baby won’t be our first girl but she will be our first to fulfill those dreams and experiences we dreamt of while we were expecting Sawyer and now her as well.