Prior to our positive pregnancy test, I was attending the Sarah’s Laughter meetings every other week. Every new week brought on a new sense of peace for me. I would share our current situation, whether that was me waiting for a cycle, going back to work, or dealing with a negative pregnancy test. Whatever it was, it was safe to say it with these ladies. And the craziest thing is that these women gave me something to be so grateful for. So many of them had been trying to get pregnant for years and hadn’t had any success, many of them had lost multiple pregnancies and somehow I felt grateful for my situation. I had been able to get pregnant, feel the joy of life that we created in my belly and then ultimately meet our angel.
After finding out we were expecting again I joined the Sarah’s Laughter Pregnancy after infertility and loss support group (PAIL). This group of girls was something special! A group of women who understood most of the emotions I was experiencing in this pregnancy and a safe place to express my concerns and feel support! I often battled bouts of anxiety through this pregnancy that revealed itself in a ridiculous amount of worry and fear. I would get so caught up in fear of losing this baby. I tried to do my best to be aware of these moments, then stop whatever I was doing and pray. I would pray the same prayer I had said before, “Dear Lord, I’m really having a hard time right now with worry and fear. I clearly can’t handle it, so I give it all to you. You can handle everything. And this is in your control.” As soon as I would finish the prayer, the feeling would leave me.
Ashton Fox, me, Sadie Hill, Loren McIntyre, Mary Claire Stickle, Kasie Fallo. Missing in this picture is Kim Allen! She was in the hospital about to deliver her sweet miracle!
I wanted to lead one of our group meetings one night and I had told Brandon I wanted to focus on anxiety. He came home that day with bible verses written out, narratives to go with each verse, and a note at the top telling me how proud he was of me. I was so excited to lead the group with this information that night, and then our meeting was cancelled. I remember feeling disappointed, but the true blessing was what transpired between my husband and I. His support was incredible and that was all I had needed. I did eventually share that information at our next meeting and felt even more fulfilled. I knew that by helping others through situations like mine, made me feel like losing Sawyer had more meaning. Which is exactly why I ended up with this blog!
Please stay tuned as I navigate through our pregnancy following a loss. I plan to discuss so many emotions through the different stages of our pregnancy. I hope to offer reassurance to those moms experiencing pregnancy and trying to conceive following a loss. It’s definitely a bittersweet process with lots of ups and downs.
A more recent picture of me and Beth Forbus, the woman who began Sarah’s Laughter.