After our first month of trying to conceive following the loss of our daughter came to an end, I felt so disappointed. I wanted so badly to be pregnant again and to experience those happy feeling that she had provided for me. I knew no other baby would replace her, but I also knew how badly I wanted to fill my arms. I went ahead and purchased ovulation tests to be sure everything was going right and that my timing was on. I felt terrible that I became so obsessed so quickly with this, but I had to do what made me happy. I knew God was in control of this, but I wanted to help myself as much as possible.
I prayed so much during this time. I prayed specifically when I prayed and I would say, “Dear Lord, please bless me with a pregnancy, a full term, healthy, happy baby and if it’s not too much to ask, I really want a girl!” This prayer makes me giggle now because God’s plans are truly amazing and He gives you just what you need when you need it!
During this time, we were given some results of the testing done following Sawyer’s delivery. All results until this point were negative, meaning we had no medical answer for her loss. Like I have explained before, we were ok with hearing that because we knew it was in Gods plans and that we just had to trust in him and not in our own understanding.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
I definitely battled some impatience through this month. You also have to remember, I was still grieving the loss of our baby as well. In this time, I had returned to work. This was such a difficult decision to make because I would be returning to all circumstance revolved around pregnancy. Early pregnancy loss, late pregnancy loss and happy full term laboring moms and all of this could elicit some emotional struggles for me and would. My first patient to take care of on my first day back was a nearly full-term pregnant mom that hadn’t felt the baby move……
I said a prayer as I walked in that door. I nervously placed the monitors on her belly to hopefully hear a baby’s heartbeat, and there it was. I nearly buckled at the knees in this moment. I was so grateful for that sound for this patient, who I had never met. I had to excuse myself from her room and get myself together in the restroom. I was a bit upset about the vulnerability of the situation but tried to find the silver lining. I was able to say, “Well at least that the first experience is over, and I don’t have to be anxious for that first time again.”
At the end of this month, I was feeling a few signs of pregnancy and I was late! I couldn’t be more excited and nervous at the same time. I waited until Brandon left for work again, and I took a test! There it was! A faint second line! I texted my doctor a picture of that and she said to come get lab work! As soon as I got those results of my lab work, I went to the store and bought a card for Brandon. I delivered it to him at his work! It was just a sweet, thank you card for being so patient and supportive of me and at the end, I signed “Love me and baby W #2!” He jumped up and gave me a giant hug and kiss! We were so excited! We had been waiting for this for about 15-16 weeks at this point. As excited as we were, we weren’t really sure how much anxiety and fear we would also feel with this pregnancy.
I hope you are still continuing to enjoy my blog. I can’t wait to unfold more of our story with my struggles through this next pregnancy as well as our joys! Stay tuned!