The Waiting Game: A Big Fat Negative

 

For the next few months, we were stuck in the waiting game. I understand that for some parents that lose a pregnancy as late as we did or even one that is earlier, they need more time. For us, it was something we knew immediately! We wanted to be pregnant ASAP! We had to wait for a total of three months and one full menstrual cycle. So now, we were just waiting for that time to pass.
In this time, we were grieving our loss, which was so difficult as I have explained before. Waiting for my first cycle was so excruciating. I felt like it would never happen. Of course, when you are postpartum you never want this stupid thing to visit you. But after a loss and you know you want to be pregnant, it’s like winning the lottery when it finally comes.
In this time, I battled extreme jealousy over other’s pregnancy and newborn announcements. I felt like it was unfair because I was “ahead” of them and now I’m behind. I had to work on this and attempt to recognize these moments and correct them, as I knew that was not glorifying God. It was so hard though. I even caught myself mistaking different feelings in my stomach for movement of a baby, and as soon as I noticed that, about 0.2 seconds into it, I would feel immediately heartbroken. I just wanted so badly to be pregnant again.
I was having a hard time with my postpartum body with no tangible results. This was hard. When you are fluffy after a baby, you walk around and people say, “oh she just had a baby.” It’s different when you aren’t holding that baby. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people asked me about my “baby.” It hurt me so badly each time I was asked. I answered differently each time. It wasn’t until a few months in that I decided I would answer in the way that satisfied my heart and not be overly concerned with how it made them feel. It just wasn’t something I could worry about at that moment. So I began responding, “thank you for asking, she actually passed away though, but we are ok,” or “that’s so sweet of you but we lost her right before delivery.” Typically it would result in “I’m so sorry.” And then I would say “it’s ok, if I didn’t want to talk about it, I wouldn’t have answered you honestly.” This was huge for me. It felt amazing to honor her life and her existence. It was hard for me to pretend as though it didn’t happen just to save face for the other person.
I was on the edge of my patience here. I think I was about 11 weeks postpartum and nothing had happened. I ended up reaching out to my OB, and she was so kind to me and offered an ultrasound to look at my uterus. Everything looked great! I just needed to pray for a few days for the understanding of Gods timeline. And a few days later, what do you know?! There it was! This long-awaited timeframe was over!
I’ll say that this month we were unsuccessful at getting pregnant and I was super upset with those results. I tried to redirect my mind so many times but I just ended up stressing over the process. And I know that any woman who has ever tried to conceive knows exactly what I mean!

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Month two brought about different results! This I can’t wait to share with you! Please join me as I navigate through our experience with pregnancy following a loss and all of the fears, concerns, and worries that this brings about.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. 

Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. 

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

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