In early 2014 we had been going back and forth on whether or not we were ready to start a family. Brandon seemed to be super sure, but I was a bit more hesitant. For me to have been hesitant was no big surprise because I like things planned out a bit more than he does. Brandon was ready to roll the dice, see what happened and take on any challenges that could come our way. Then you have me, and I was going through all possibilities of pregnancy, delivery and raising children. There were so many thoughts to process so it just took me a little more time to feel confident in our decision. At some point, I had to give in to some of that fear and just let God do his work.
Commit your way to the Lord. Trust in Him, and He will act.
I had recently been working as a nurse for 4 years and just moved to a new position in a different department. I left Labor and Delivery and moved to Assessment Center, which is like a mini ER for women. We occasionally see trauma cases, but most of what we do pertains to pregnant women and their more emergent needs. Clearly with this sort of job, I had been exposed to a great deal of pregnancy related complications and I was also able to witness some of the most beautiful moments in life. My favorite part of my L&D experience was watching a new mom and dad meet their baby for the first time, and witnessing their raw emotion as they hold the most precious gift God can give. I shed many happy tears with those patients. There were also many times when I had wept sad tears with patients and I’ll address more of this later in my blog.
Around May or so we were ready for whatever God had in store for us. Month one came and went and we were not pregnant, I was ok with that. After all, it was the first month. Month two rolls around and I was thinking I could possibly be pregnant. I took a pregnancy test alone, saw the two lines and quickly felt excitement, joy and of course, fear. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this. I think that’s normal for some people especially those of us when it happens so quick and there aren’t months or years of disappointment. I recall feeling embarrassed of my fear and not wanting people to know that I felt like that.
Later that day, I had set up the three positive pregnancy test on our guest bed with a onesie and pink and blue paper in the background. When Brandon got home from work I asked him to move something in the guest room for me and there it was!! He was so excited! He lifted me up and gave me the biggest hug and kiss!
We had decided to keep this a secret for now and enjoy our “secret” for a bit. We ended up telling only two friends, Blake and Lindsey, the same couple from our engagement story. They were with us that day for a river tubing trip, so I had to pretend drink a beer here and there so no one would catch on. I think I was successful in pulling that off! A few days later, I returned to work and I ended up being pulled to L&D to help them out a little. As I was taking care of a patient who had just delivered, I noticed something wasn’t right and ran to the bathroom. At this point, I was hopeful that it was just a little complication in pregnancy that doesn’t fully cause you to miscarry. I quickly called Brandon to inform him of what was going on and he was perplexed and worried. Because he had no knowledge of early pregnancy, he didn’t think my details sounded like things could be ok. I had some close friends at work that night and they consoled me and encouraged me and help me get through my shift.
At the end of my night shift, I went to my OB’s office and they had planned to do an ultrasound to see what was going on and hopefully offer me some peace of mind. Brandon wasn’t able to make it to me on time and I just wanted some good news, so I moved forward. They were able to conclude that I was no longer pregnant at this time. In this moment I felt so heartbroken, disappointed and confused. I was fortunate that my OB’s nurse was a friend of mine and she sat with me for the ultrasound so she was there to offer kind words and a hug to me. I left there and met Brandon at his office to tell him. He seemed upset, but not quite like I was or like how I expected him to be. He said all of the right things in that moment, but it was still so hard to really understand what was going on. I didn’t want to leave him, but I knew I needed to get home because I was in a little pain and still wanted to talk to my mom and sister. I left there and went to my moms work and asked my sister to meet me there. My sister is a school teacher and it was the summer, so she was able to come meet us. I had to tell them that I was pregnant and that I lost the baby all in the same sentence. They were incredibly supportive. They lifted my in just the way I needed them to. They said the things my Dad would have said to me. I was so blessed in this situation to have them available to me. It’s moments like this that I realize how well God protects me by making them available to me so easily.
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.
The most important thing that I learned in this experience is that I was actually really ready to start a family. I knew that the pain of losing this pregnancy was something I didn’t want to ever feel again but somehow I was able to feel grateful for the reassurance from our Lord that I could, in fact, handle this whole process of starting a family. Something to note is that for some people, as soon as the decision is made to start a family they have big dreams and make big plans for their future child. Some people it happens when they find out they are pregnant, and then of course there are some that it isn’t until the baby is in their arms. Wherever the person is on this spectrum, a loss is something that takes all of those dreams and plans away from you. It really knocks the wind right out of you. Pulls your heart out of your chest. It’s a pain so deep that I can’t always put in to words. Through this, I was able to believe that my God would deliver for me and that we would prevail with His help. I leaned on my faith in this process just as I did through the loss of my dad. God continued to unravel his plans for our lives following this. And we would give this whole “starting a family” process the next month.
She is clothed in strength, and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
Stay tuned for more from me on our journey to start a family. Hope you have enjoyed!