It may sound strange but today is one of my favorite days of the year. It’s a day totally dedicated to our first born, our little baby girl, our angel. That means we say her name a million times and the most fun part for my kids – we bake her a birthday cake!

I cried this morning while pulling pictures of her. I cried while writing this, yet I’m still overwhelmed in happiness in her memory. Last night while laying in bed trying to go to sleep, something dawned on me… Sawyer’s middle name is Grace and so is Demi’s. Obviously we did that on purpose. But there’s irony in the meaning of the name now that Demi’s personality is in full swing.

The truth is that grace is my gift from Sawyer. In her loss I have learned so much about myself, parenting and life in general. Demi’s life at nearly 4 has been challenging for sure. She’s had a lot to handle and God knew I needed grace, or that Demi would need grace from me. Beau also gets a lot of grace from me too, he’s just a much more compliant child so he needs less grace. If you know my kids… you know!

So you can see why I feel such happiness in my life when I think of Sawyer. I knew immediately that we weren’t just losing our baby to feel pain, I knew God had bigger plans for us. I also understood it would take time to begin to see that. I also believe that losing my dad unexpectedly two years prior may have set me up to understand grief in some way. Mourning the loss of my father and my daughter were two totally different feelings that’s hard to explain. With that said, I think just understanding how I lean on faith in loss had me prepared to go to bed at night and wake up the next day ready to put a smile on my face in some way.

I talk about Sawyer very often and my kids do too. And as much as I still feel heartache I also feel happiness. I think about Sawyer in heaven with my dad daily. It warms my heart knowing they have one another. I don’t really get caught up in the “what ifs” but I know that’s common. I just always see it as this was the only plan and there is no “what if”. This is the “what is” and I choose happiness in her honor.

Loss isn’t linear and no one grieves the same. There’s not a right way to do it. This is just my experience. I am grateful. I am happy. I wish I had said hello before I said goodbye. But I didn’t. It hurts still. Every day. Happiness outweighs the sadness by far. I’ll never forget what it felt like to hold her. I’ll never forget what it felt like to kiss her little perfect cheeks. My children will never forget her as she has impacted all of us in more ways than I could have ever imagined. We will meet again for eternity and that will be beautiful.