Every year a memory pops up on Facebook. It’s the picture we took at our friends house right before Christmas. Every year I find I feel the same way. I love seeing the joy and excitement in our faces. I love the naivety and innocence about pregnancy that we possessed at that time.
Even though I worked in L&D and women’s health for years I was still so optimistic about my pregnancy with Sawyer. I think most women are. I couldn’t wait for our next Christmas. I said multiple times how we would have the best Christmas the next year. Our baby girl would be pulling ornaments off of the tree, tearing up presents and we would make memories of a lifetime with her. Obviously I didn’t expect all of that not to come to fruition.
The Christmas following the loss of Sawyer was extremely sad for me – at times. I was still missing my dad terribly and now I didn’t have the baby I had waited for. It was hard here and there but I always tried to focus on the baby boy that was coming the next year. I knew that our Christmas with Beau would be even more special now that we had walked through loss. I knew I wouldn’t take anything for granted.
Of course our home flooded and we were not home for Christmas, but I waited to do Christmas morning with Beau until late January because I had waited for this moment for so long. It was amazing too.
The reason that picture brings so many feelings to me is that after losing Sawyer, my next two pregnancies were simply different. I was optimistic and faithful. I believed God would give me my babies but I always had a lingering fear or worry that would creep in. I’m quite certain it’s completely normal to feel that way, and I always prayed and asked God for help in those moments. In so many ways I just wish I didn’t have that fear and worry. I wish I could have been naive again, but that’s not my story. My story was written and I’m just living it out as so. I just really enjoy seeing anything from my pregnancy with Sawyer. The excitement. The joy. It’s simply beautiful. All of it.
I’m forever grateful for my experiences in life, including the loss of our first born. There’s always something to learn and grow from. Sometimes I just wish death didn’t have to be one of them. the reality is that we all die at some point and I just pray I’m doing the work that God intended for me.