Mother’s Day: When You are Mommy but Your Baby is in Heaven

My first Mother’s Day was only a few short months after I became a mom. That day was a bit different than I had dreamed it would be to say the very least. I had always dreamt of what it would be like to hold my baby and kiss her and love on her on this special day! And I even dreamt of this day for her future siblings as well.

Finding out we were having a baby girl!

Brandon was super excited too!

We were so excited and anticipating so many things for our sweet girl!

Becoming a mom to a stillborn child first is not an easy path to navigate. Celebrating your first Mother’s Day without your child in your arms is a painful reality of the unfairness of life. I knew the moment I found out we lost her, that there would be more to this experience than the immense pain and sorrow I was feeling and I trusted God would provide for me. With all of this faith and belief, I still struggled through my first Mother’s Day.

I chose to attend church and be vulnerable to the sights that would likely cause pain but I wanted to feel that closeness with our Lord and Savior and what better place to rejoice in that than in his house? I decided to serve at the Sarah’s Laughter table and hopefully touch one Womans life who had decided to make the same vulnerable decision that day. Serving at this table was everything to me! It was so refreshing to see how God was using me in my pain on this very day to be a beacon of light in an extremely dark path. I’m so grateful for the support of these women associated with Sarah’s Laughter and the support of my family and friends on this day. I received flowers, cards, text messages and phone calls all honoring me for being Sawyer’s mother even though the world didn’t likely see me as a mother on the outside. I can’t express my gratitude to my friends and family for everything they did that day to make me feel validated as a mother. Brandon was so sweet to me this day. He bought me a card and a beautiful necklace and treated me like a princess. I’m so blessed to have had such a supportive husband through this experience, even if we grieve differently.

Every year I see social media posts about the child that made you a mother and what they say about their mom and so on. It’s interesting how it makes me feel. Sometimes I feel robbed, sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I’m unbothered and other times I’m grateful for my angel. I can’t ever predict how this day will go but typically the anxiety going in to that day is pretty difficult and I can’t stand that. Somehow the actual day is never as dreadful as I fear. I’m sure that Gods way of reassuring me.

Meeting our baby girl that made me a mom

I’m not really sure what to caption here. I guess it speaks for itself.

My mom leaning in to see her first grand baby girl.

Now that I have Beau I feel more visibly validated, however, Mother’s Day still is a difficult time because it is a reminder of the day I became a mother. My sweet angel made me a mother. My beautiful baby girl. The sweetest cheeks I have ever kissed and the most perfect little girl I could have ever imagined. She is it. She was my first. So even though I bask in the glory of being Beau’s Mom on Mother’s Day I still honor my sweet baby that gave me that title. I miss her daily and think of her countless times a day. I often shed tears over her and think of what that exact moment felt like.. the moment I saw her and held my first born child… the moment I became “mommy.”

Meeting Beau and giving him a first kiss from mommy!

My second Mother’s Day.

Dancing with my buddy!

Mother’s Day sign at church with Beau!

I pray for all the mommas that have lost babies and any stage of pregnancy or life on this day. I feel for the moms that lost their first child before having another because I know that pain all too well. Please be patient and kind to these mommas if you know one. Please validate their baby and them as a mother.

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