When we lost Sawyer I knew there was more to her story than just us going through so much pain. I knew there had to be something bigger to her story. I was willing to wait for parts of that to unfold for us but I was always ready for God to show me anything at anytime!
Right after we lost her and came home to a quiet home and empty arms I leaned so heavily on those I had known and recently met that had lost before and then conceived again after. I liked seeing success stories. Since she was my first child I was so scared that maybe something was wrong with me and I wouldn’t be able to have another. This thought would pop in mind from time to time but I tried to push it out as much as possible.
Once I had delivered Beau and felt like I had succeeded in carrying a baby full term, I knew I wanted to give back to other women who would walk similar paths. I remained connected with Sarah’s Laughter and would often speak with patients through my job that would find out they were losing their baby. I still do this. Every time I can give any sort of reassurance to a mom in a position like this, I feel like I validate Sawyer so much and honor God at the same time.
We had decided that we would make a birthday cake for Sawyer’s birthday each year because I knew that as her siblings would join our family and get older, this would be a fun way to celebrate their sister and keep her memory alive. Even though it was so painful to lose her, I chose for her memory to be happy as much as possible! So each year, we have made a funfetti cake with pink icing! It never fails, during her birthday, her tree is blooming beautifully as well! Pink is everywhere and we love it! Brandon’s brother, Chad was kind enough to plant a tree in our yard that would bloom around her birthday every year and it sure has been perfect!
Sawyer’s first birthday cake! This was clearly our first time! I was about 36 weeks pregnant with Beau!
Smiling proud with our cake for our girl!
I wanted Beau to be in the picture!
Sawyers second birthday cake! We did a little better this year!
This is right before Beau’s first birthday!
Beau with Sawyer’s tree!
An even better cake for her 3rd birthday!
This was just about a month ago now!
I think sometimes I can make people uncomfortable with how often I speak about Sawyer and our experience but I had decided a long time ago that I need to do what my heart needs and if that comes at the expense of making someone a little uncomfortable, I was ok with that. I do try to keep the conversation light most of the time but truthfully that just comes easy when speaking about her! We miss her every single day and there really isn’t a day that goes by that I think about her and her impact on us. We truly are the lucky ones to have held an angel in our arms. I know my dad is loving his snuggles with my girl!