Since 2014, I had looked forward to Christmas in our home with our baby. We lost Sawyer in February of 2015 and Christmas 2015 went without any children to celebrate with. We were, in fact, pregnant with Beau so that did help a little because we looked forward to the following Christmas with him. Then 2016 rolls around and we weren’t in our home because our house was still being repaired. Since I really wanted to fulfill this dream in our own home and I had waited for so long, we chose to wait until we moved back in to have our little celebration with Beau!
Our little dude’s Christmas Pictures!
Christmas in January!
Opening his first present!
Checking out his new toys!
As the months went by, we settled into our renovated home and began to feel normal again. Just living life with ease. We were able to celebrate Beau’s first birthday at our home and have family and friends over! It was just what we had hoped for and Beau seemed to enjoy it all!
Beau’s first birthday pics!
Not long after his first birthday, we took him to the eye doctor for an initial visit. The only reason we took him in was that Brandon started wearing glasses at 14 months. I went alone because I was expecting good news. The doctor came in and said, “Well he is very, very farsighted.” I looked at him with confusion, and asked, “What does that mean?” He then stated, “Beau will need glasses.” I was in such shock at his comment that I asked if I could call my husband. Brandon was also surprised and not really sure what to ask or say. We just had to move forward and figure out what glasses we wanted to put on our little guy. I really struggled with this diagnosis and also the fact that I was so bothered by it. I felt guilty for feeling negative about this. I didn’t understand why I felt so upset over Beau needing glasses. After everything we had been through, how could I be upset over silly little glasses? I had so much to be thankful for and I was almost disappointed in myself for being emotional over this.
I had to pray about this and I needed to work through whatever disappointment I had and remind myself over and over of how thankful I was for everything God had blessed us with. Once I found the frames I liked, things seemed to roll smoother. I still feel guilty from time to time when I think back on how upset this made me. Glasses are nothing in the grand scheme of things. So I didn’t quite understand why this rocked me so bad. All I can say is that I prayed and prayed to help this fear and feeling of guilt leave me. In a short amount of time, it all faded away!
Who’s Superman without a cape?!
“Not now mom, I have people to save!”
My point in sharing about this is because I’m certain there are other parents who have gone through something similar with their child and have been rocked to the core like I was over something that seems so minuscule in hindsight. At the moment, it was all I could think about. Then struggling with the guilt of feeling that way is so exhausting. I just want to validate anyone else that may have felt this way over something and let you know you aren’t alone in that.
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.
So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. 7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
(1 Peter 5:6-7)
Stay tuned for my next blog as I discuss how we decided to celebrate Sawyer’s birthdays each year and how we chose to honor her! Hope you are enjoying!