We had a great few days in the hospital. We were extremely grateful for an uneventful stay following delivery and were ready to go home and get settled!
Our first night home was going well. Brandon had planned to return to work the next day so I had intended on tackling night duty alone. I’m not sure what happened but we ended up in our guest room and I was crying over nothing really. Poor Brandon was trying to make things better but couldn’t say anything right in my hormonal opinion. We finally settled whatever this was by him just hugging me and telling me it’s ok. So word to the wise, us women are a little off following delivery and when all else fails, just hug and say “I love you!”
I knew that delivering a baby after losing one would have challenges but I didn’t expect the challenges we faced once going home. Brandon and I hardly slept because if he was quiet, we were worried something had happened. I feel like one of us was constantly checking on him even though he was about one foot from our bed in a bassinet. If Beau was sleeping with his mouth open, we always had to touch him to be sure he was breathing. I know that may seem strange, but any mother who has lost before can understand that exact feeling of leaning over your bed and looking at your sweet sleeping baby and wondering, “is he really just sleeping?”
I would lay my head down at the beginning of the night and after each night nursing session and pray, “Dear Lord, please watch over Beau while he sleeps. And if he needs anything, please let him let me know or allow my motherly instincts to wake me. In Jesus name, I pray.” I found that this allowed me to rest and trust that God would provide for me. At 5 weeks old we finally ordered and received an owlet monitor! This was everything for us! That very night we put him to bed in his bed in his room and I was able to sleep a little bit better knowing he was being monitored. Could this have been some false reassurance? Very possible, but it made us feel better and we believed God had the rest!
Through all of this, I figured out that the fear and worry of another loss wouldn’t just disappear at delivery but it would carry on for us for a long time, possibly forever. The only true answer to it all is trust in our God to continue to provide blessings for us!
Stay tuned to hear how we were challenged again with a very difficult situation when Beau was only 5 months old. Oh how God’s plan has continued to reveal itself to us.