As our pregnancy progressed with Sawyer, we fell more and more in love with her! We felt like we already knew her little personality from the kicks and rolls that she would respond with when we talked to her! Every single night, Brandon would lay his head on my belly and talk to her. It was the sweetest thing! Then he would wait for her to kick him! We continued writing in her journal and loved telling her stories about what was going on and what we planned to share with her one day.
We were lucky enough to see her a few times on ultrasound! The first time when she looked like a frog (seen in the previous blog), another time when she looked like a gummy bear (also seen in the previous blog), then again around 15 weeks to find out that she was a girl, again at 20 weeks for an anatomy scan, 24 weeks for an additional look at her heart, and one more at 28 weeks to prepare for us flying to Puerto Rico! We loved seeing her so much!!
Everything was looking great around 28 weeks! We were packing to head to Puerto Rico, back to the same place we had gone 4 years prior, on the trip right before Brandon proposed! We had an amazing time in Puerto Rico with friends! I even wore a bikini!
We returned home and visited our OB for a 30 week appointment! We were able to listen to her heartbeat by doppler this time! Brandon came with me to almost all of my appointments and he loved hearing her heartbeat and seeing her when we would have ultrasounds! We ended up taking maternity pictures that weekend, right as I turned 31 weeks! We were so excited for these pictures! We bought her boots and used them in the pictures! We had some other props that you can see too!
I went back to work that following Wednesday night! I was working 3p-3a that night! I worked with some friends that I had been working with for years! We giggled over Sawyer kicking me so much and they took turns feeling her kick as well! It was a fairly smooth shift and I went home and went straight to bed!
I woke up the next morning and I got up quickly. I ran to the grocery store to get some things! When I returned home, Brandon was randomly home! I sat on the couch with him and said, “You know I’m not sure I felt her move recently.” As an OB nurse I moved to my bed quickly, got on my left side, had Brandon get me chocolate milk and I began to count… or so I thought. I reached out to my doctors nurse who told me to go ahead and head in and they would tell me if I needed to come to the office or go to assessment center (where I work). My husband and I took different cars because he had to go back to work and I also had to work that night. I looked like a hot mess, and for the most part I don’t venture in public like that.
On the way to the hospital, my doctors nurse called back and said just to head to the office and they would do an ultrasound immediately. As I was driving, my best friend, Amanda, was on my mind. She had lost her little girl, Hallie, about 4 years before at almost the exact same gestation. I was thinking, there is no way that’s what is going on. No way it would hit that close to me again. Absolutely no way. I began to think, “ok I probably have low fluid, I’ll have to be admitted, I’ll get IV fluids and I’ll end up missing work tonight.” I was playing through a million things. I really didn’t consider what was about to our reality as a viable option.
I arrived to the office before Brandon. He ran in just as I was heading to the ultrasound, and thank our dear Lord for that. I think I would have waited but I’m just not sure. I just knew my sweet girl was going to be ok. I just knew it. I prayed so much and I really believed God was going to provide for me on my prayers.
The ultrasound sound girl placed the monitor on my belly, and I immediately saw her heart. Since I know what I’m looking at, she didn’t have to speak. I could see everything and in the same instance I saw nothing. Nothing moving. Her heart was no longer beating. I threw my arms over my eyes in a crossed position and began to sob. My sweet, innocent husband grabbed me with the most terrified eyes you could imagine and asked me “What? What is it?” And I responded, “We lost her.” He grabbed me and I grabbed him and we just sobbed for what felt like forever.
The ultrasound tech left the room in tears. She didn’t have to say anything. Our wonderful doctor, Dr. Nikki Chauvin, entered and asked to look and be sure. She did, I asked if she could see anything specific. If her cord was wrapped around anything.. anything.. I was grasping for something. She said that she couldn’t really see from the images and just began to cry with us. I’m not sure what she could see or if she was looking for anything specific. I think she was just making sure Sawyer didn’t have a heart beat and she then took the ultrasound off of my belly instantly
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
We took a minute to gather ourselves and began to prepare for the next chapter, delivery. We also had to call our family and close friends.
Calling our family members was an awful experience but every single person was so gentle and kind. It was so sad to hear them get broken hearted and not have anything to offer back. We just urged them to come to the hospital to be with us and would could try to talk more in person.
For those of you who do not know much about pregnancy or delivery, it is not common to know much of anything until after delivery. So we were going to have to wait until at least delivery to know anything pertaining what happened. And since I was aware of this, and the whole process of labor and delivery of a baby that has passed, I explained a lot to my husband. But in the same breath, I think I scared the mess out of him. I had seen some not so easy sights in my experience and some really difficult moments and I was afraid of our outcome, but I wanted him to be prepared. I wish I had handled that a little differently with him, but you do the best you can in moments like this.
We gathered ourselves and headed over to labor and delivery. I refused a wheelchair because it just felt awkward and insisted that I walk. Dr. Chauvin walked with us over there. She had called to labor and delivery and set up the best nurse, Heather, to take care of us. I can’t say what was going on for those nurses as they heard the news, but I can imagine a few of them who had known me were totally broken. Heather was so good to us! She was comforting, patient and sweet. I had nothing with me to stay away from home. The L&D managers provided me with all things essential to bathe and wash my hair and just take a minute before we started my induction
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
In these few hours, I was so grateful for my husband. He was and still is my rock. And in a way I don’t know people can even begin to understand. I will explain more of this in my next blog when I discuss our labor, delivery and support system through it all.
I hope you have all enjoyed me sharing something so intimate to us. I’m only sharing to offer a bit of hope to anyone who may be struggling through a similar situation. As I write the next blog, I will explain our labor through meeting our angel. Stay tuned.